As I headed out for my usual morning trek around the perimeter of the neighborhood, I was filled with a sense of well-being and wonderment at the silence! It was too early for dogs to growl and too late for school buses to rumble.
Tucking the sweatshirt closer around my neck, I pulled the long fleecy sleeves down over my hands, acutely aware that, for the moment, the fog of sadness was thin. I exhaled a deep sigh of gratitude.
I wonder if I can see my breath . . . But the air was not that crisp. The sky was clear and the fall colors were just beginning to strut. As the sun smiled at me, I could feel the early morning breeze blush my cheeks. I wonder what heaven is really like . . . I wonder if he knows I am going to be okay, but I miss him!
Keeping time with my stride, I began to count my blessings.
"Lord, You know I miss my mate of 47 years. You know I'm so thankful for my comfy home we built together, but it is so quiet--until I fill it with music! Bless our Frank and Jenny, such capable and loving parents of our two huggable little grandgirls. What a delightful three-year-old, with her ‘Pitzit. Will you pweese, Gramma?' when she scrapes her knee. And such a bright and sensitive Lucy, fast turning six! Lord, it is so touching to watch that little redhead hover over little sister when she falls down and gets an owie. ‘Here, Logan, I'll carry your bag for you, honey! No, Logan, honey, let Lucy carry you back to Gramma's and you can choose a pretty Band-Aid. It'll be okay!' I wonder how children can absorb so much from their parents!
"And I am so grateful for Gary and Laura. Alongside Your strength, they have been my brains and backbone the past four years. Thank you for a son-in-law who voluntarily calls me "Mom" and for a daughter who calls me "Mommy, my role model." I wonder how I can possibly deserve to be loved so much! Thank You, Lord, from my heart!"
Turning the corner, the countdown continued until I had named each of my seven brothers and their families, as well as my favorite sister and her family. Next came my nearest neighbors and then my tiny cluster of friends . . . and, finally, my closest Friend.
These old tennis shoes wore wings for three miles! "Oh, Lord, My God, when I in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made!" I could almost taste the words!
At the next street intersection, a Monarch butterfly decided to be included in these blessings! It fluttered right up to me, bobbing with delight; then darted on ahead, soon out of sight.
Before I reached the next block, a hummingbird flitted by and winked a quick message of joy, "A delicious fall morning to you!" And just as quickly hastened on about its duties for the day.
Words to the Doxology came to mind and interrupted the rhythm of my stride. Barely audible-- in order to let sleeping dogs lie--I began to softly hum.
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him all creatures here below;
Praise Him above ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!"
I could have walked another lap except for this sudden craving to put all this wonderment into words before it vanished! I abruptly turned down my street and headed home.
As I entered the back porch, Sammy greeted me with a meow, "I need a scratch!"
"Later, Samantha, I have something very important to do!"
The aroma of fresh brewed coffee hurried me to the kitchen. My fingers, warmed by the steaming mug, were itching for the keyboard in the computer room.
Fairly new at the computer, I decided to try Microsoft Front Page, groped around a little, and then opened a new page. With my fingers resting on the keys--alert and eager to explore this writing urge--I falteringly skimmed the very brief list of files; then stopped short at this wonderfully strange wndrlndbynt.html! So much of the computer is foreign to me, but how in the world did I manage to do that! Surely I have made a mess of something . . . somewhere! But it's so beautiful . . .
Well, this was a topper to an already perfect morning! I didn't even realize I was tired, as I sat mesmerized for a while, lost in the magic of that dark-as-night computer desktop background full of musical stars! Breathlessly leaning closer, I observed a few of these stars were ever so slowly changing color from green to purple to red to blue!
Gazing into that star-bright monitor, I was once again lost in thoughts of Ken, wondering if he might possibly be, at this very moment, skipping from star to star! What kind of job was God depending on him to do? Does anything in heaven ever break or need to be fixed?
I wondered if that normally solemn expression of his might be erupting into a brilliant contagious smile! He never sang, just occasionally whistled, but he loved music. Was he belting out a song or kneeling in adoration and worship to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords? Or was he taking little children on a tour of the heavenlies in a pristine Model T with golden wheels? Don't snicker! Remember, with God all things are possible!
I wondered, Is he able to look down and see that his family is going to be fine, that it was okay to go ahead without us?
Does he remember that he didn't say good-bye to me? This had bothered me the past two months since he'd been gone. Before he got sick, every day of our lives, except times when we were mad, he told me he loved me. I wondered if he felt angry those last months when he couldn't talk? I wondered if his heart prayed when his mind couldn't? I wondered if he remembered that he would wake up frequently in the hospital room, glance to see if I was there, and then return to a peaceful sleep? I wondered if he felt afraid?
Those final two days when he didn't open his eyes or respond, I wondered if he knew when Laura, his little Sweetie Pie, was hovering over him, patting his chest. "It's okay, Dad, just let go of everything! We love you. Don't worry about Mom. She's going to be all right. Frank and I will see to that. It's okay to give up. For once in your life, it's all right to just let it all go. You have wanted to go home. Well, you are almost there, your heavenly home, and we'll see you a little later." I wondered if he heard . . .
I wondered if parents know that their greatest gift to their children is to pass on to them God's gift of hope and assurance of eternal life through Christ; that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord! This peace surpasses our understanding when we know that to say good-bye here is to say hello to heaven!
Well, it is probably obvious that by this time I had detoured putting my walking wonderings into words! So I clicked back to familiar territory.
Emptying the mug of cold coffee, I wondered if I would ever in this lifetime learn enough about my computer to create a website . . . if I might one day be able to construct such an amazing page as those twinkling musical stars!
"I wonder if You, Lord, could inspire me to create something that might soothe or calm or comfort or humor a troubled soul somewhere out there on the Internet . . . this vast territory I like to think of as Godspace."
Just a novice with two years' computer experience, how in the world did this particular file happen to show up in my computer? Hmmm . . . Lord willing, I will wander through that question tomorrow . . . when I go walking!
By: Mary Beatty